Part 1 of 5

Today I started my healing journey after 2.5 months of neglecting myself,

I exercised for the first time

(Other than climbing hospital Stairs), I’m thankful for the river trail and to be outdoors,

crying was a luxury I could not afford, all my energy was fighting for his life those 57 days in ICU,

Now I let myself cry many times each day and night,

I only took time for one meal a day and lost 15 pounds,

Of course I didn’t sleep much or remember to take my vitamins,

I quit breathing deep and felt like 200 lbs of bricks were on my chest,

I know what he would want for me, to take care of myself, to spend time processing my grief and ultimately learn to live again,

To love is to grieve,

the greater the love, the greater the hole and pain, but I wouldn’t want it any other way,

I am grateful to have been one of the few who experience True love and to have known it for 26 years,

The loss of all our future and dreams feels like it will swallow me whole,

He wanted to walk his second Daughter Down the aisle and meet the love of her life one day,

to see our son become a man,

to hold grandchildren In his arms,

To grow old together as we had planned,

to grow deeper and deeper In our love, enjoying the fruit of our labor and faithfulness to each other, we had so many dreams, but his legacy lives on in each of us…

Part 2 of 5

My journey to healing continued…

I stared directly into the sunset for minutes while I sang, “Oh, Good Shepherd, I’ll follow where You lead, your steps have tested the strength of the ground before me,

The way may be long, may be wild, but I know You’re with me,

The foothills are no place for me anymore, even BROKEN FEET could not keep me from seeking the ONE who faced death out of LOVE for me,

You said follow me so I’m following.

I let myself feel the love of God and the love of my beloved husband,

After dark, The Texas stars were so bright, he felt closer Somehow,

I was so looking forward to him convalescing and me just sitting with him and nurturing him back to health, I wanted the challenge of fixing all they had broken, I knew it would take a miracle, but that doesn’t worry me, I’ve witnessed miracles, I believe in miracles!

in the end,

Their harmful protocols, malnutrition, dehydration and sepsis 3 x in 30

Days destroyed Not only His lungs, but his kidneys and finally his heart,

I am grateful my daughter and I were with him when his heart took its final beat,

We spent 90 minutes asking God to resurrect him from the dead,

When they tried to kick us out, we poured a beautiful luxurious smelling olive oil and rose oil on his broken and battered body with so many tubes running into so many Machines, the trech into the vent, the nitric oxide, the ECMO blood machine, the feeding tube, the endless drug IVs, the CRRT for kidneys, the tiny room was filled with machinery and beeping sounds, the monitor hookups all over his chest, the bruises all over his body,

Part 3 of 5

I am Grateful he’s perfectly healed and whole and so happy in the presence of his Savior, I know he’s so excited to show me around one day,

I know he sees everything and is part of all I do, I can’t wish him back because it’s so much better where he’s at,

but the loss of our future and all our dreams feels like it will swallow me whole, as my friend who buried her husband and then teenage son said, let Jesus carry your Grief, it’s too heavy to bear alone,

I know his wisdom still guides me,

And I know he lives on In our 3 children,

I am so grateful for my adult kids staying with me for days after to help me,

I’m so grateful for all the love and prayers you all are giving to me…

Part 4 of 5

6 years ago, I wrote a love letter of declaration to bless him, I read it a lot in the hospital and he loved it!

This is the Love letter I read at his funeral:

My beloved husband,

To be chosen and loved by you for 26 years has been my greatest reward and gift from heaven, you never wavered in your trust in God, His Sovereignty, His Love and His Goodness, I never knew you to harbor any unforgiveness or bitterness. not ever.

You always saw the bright side of people and circumstances, your sense of humor and quick wit added to your charm, it was an incredible honor to be your wife. Your integrity built your reputation and is now your legacy; you genuinely Ioved hard work and challenges to solve, your brilliance and intelligence always amazed me, but your wisdom and intuition truly astounded me.

Watching you suffer day after day,

I struggled with why God allowed it and WHAT IF He didn’t heal you.

I found the doubt of a lifetime in the dark places of my heart: can I really trust God with ALL? Is He really truly good? Will He love me no matter what?

I found my peace as I read Ephesians, Philippians and Colossians, I thanked Him that He spared not His only Son and knowing that you and I are safely in His care for all eternity, I determined if He never did another thing for us, IT WAS ENOUGH!!

IT WAS THE GREATEST KIND OF LOVE!

I’ll See you in the morning, Darling, I’ll see you in the morning…

Part 5 of 5

I find no peace in all my unanswered questions, my what ifs and if onlys just torture me, my Beloved is at peace and we will be reunited shortly…

One day I will have answers, until then, I must learn maybe the greatest expression Of my faith which is as our dear friend Raymond says, “TRUST GOD FOR ALL”

My beloved is safe in the arms of Jesus, no harm can ever come to him again,

he is leaning into his chest, feeling his heart beat and he can put his hands in the scars that demonstrate the greatest LOVE of all time, I invite you to trust Him with your life…

the only scars in heaven are on the the hands that hold you now,