Judgers need not read or comment…
Each persons grief journey is their own,
if you haven’t walked in my shoes,
don’t pretend to know whats best for me
Or what kind of timeline God may lead me on.
I am stepping out bravely into the unknown
holding His hand In mine
and Letting Him carry me as needed.
I get so mad when I read my widow friends stories of rude people trying to control or manipulate how they should Think or act because society deems it a certain way,
it’s none of their damn business to judge,
I’m begging you to please choose compassion and love for them.
Their courage should be celebrated not judged.
The last six months I’ve been in survival mode and I told myself the next 6 months are for thriving and creating my future
Even as I honor and let go of my past.
No matter what I want or don’t want,
what I do or don’t do,
He’s not coming back.
Not ever.
It turns out being in love with a ghost is not that rewarding.
I cherish my memories
and the love we created
guides me now and for always.
I am in love with the person I am Today
and Thats mostly because
of his unconditional love
that broke through my hardened heart
so many years ago.
I had so much Shame and guilt,
I didn’t like me,
I wanted to be someone else.
I didn’t believe he could love me for me
because I didn’t.
It took years of his patience and faithfulness
before I saw myself through his eyes,
flawless and worthy,
oh so worthy,
Worthy of laying his life down.
There’s nothing we wouldn’t have done for each other, nothing.
If I could have given him my lungs and he would live, I would have and he for me.
If I could have traded places
in that hospital bed at any time,
I would have.
Honestly, it would have been
far less painful
to physically suffer
than the pain and trauma of watching
your beloved suffer
and being powerless to do the things
that would have saved him.
His love healed so many scars I bore
mostly from lies the church taught
and experiences of rejection from Christians.
It took me many more years before I could say I love myself just the way I am.
God has shown me I will remarry one day.
Life is meant to be shared and two are better than one.
For the work He has called me to do in the latter part of my life,
It is better that I’m not alone.
I will need a protector, a bodyguard.
I had that once, I miss it.
I’m not rushing it,
just preparing myself
by opening my heart to possibilities.
August 1, 2022,
I open a brand-new storybook,
the first chapter is titled
“Reinventing me: Shari 2.0”
My focus is to become the one I want to attract.
I will teach myself how to
fall in love with my future
and it will become so vivid
that when I actually achieve it,
I will feel as if I have already lived it.
This is the strategy that helped me create the life and relationship of my dreams once.
Because I’m no longer bitter about my shattered dreams,
I have the gift of faith to get back up and try again,
to risk losing again if I choose to love again.
My first task is choosing a new career path.
I am exploring my career possibilities so stay tuned for more adventures…
I will still sell tiny houses part time,
but the passion I had Turns out it was more for him and being together
working towards a dream
of building a tiny home community together.
I’m not saying this dream won’t happen, but I’m Shelving the development side for now.
It’s kind of like Golf,
the kids and I enjoyed it because he did and we loved being with him in that space.
Now it just doesn’t matter.
They enjoyed construction work mostly because it was quality time with dad.
He really was that special that you would do things you don’t enjoy just to be close to him and make him happy.
I know what Todd would want for me.
It seemed like there wasn’t a selfish bone in his body,
I know that’s not true
but he was always thinking of me and the kids
and how to best serve us and help us climb and Evolve to our best self
with his Great love guiding us
and believing in our greatness.
I know who I am,
I know my worth,
I genuinely like myself,
I know exactly what I want
and I refuse to settle.
It may take years
to find one I can’t live without again,
but I will not settle.
*I chose This photo of Andrew and I years ago bc he is my why right now for all I do and pursue.?
More musings found on my blog,
Www.sharisnyder.com