I remember being tortured every single night in my own bed, because of the awful reality that I would never again wake up next to you.

I hated sleeping all alone, I hated the empty house when Andrew was gone, I hated the quiet and the loneliness, I didn’t like Being left alone with my thoughts, the gnawing questions

“why was I left here?

What is my purpose?

How can I make sure your death is not in vain?

What Would you want for me?

How can I best honor you and make you proud by the story I’m writing every single day?”

I remember if I got to the end of my day and I didn’t cry more than once or I didn’t forget to feed myself, it was quite an accomplishment.

I remember choking on my coffee as I would take a sip and a sob would come up in my throat.

Remembering to breathe? That took a very long time. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my lungs.

I remember feeling guilty that I was still here, still breathing. I would have gladly given you my lungs. Ok

I remember the dark, thick blanket of hopelessness and doubt that I would ever feel joy again.

I remember how your ashes felt slipping through my fingers into Lake Michigan in July.

I remember the first Valentine’s Day, the first easter, the first Mother’s Day, our first wedding anniversary, Father’s Day, my first birthday, first trip back to Michigan without you for Christianna’s college graduation, Elisabeth’s first birthday, the death of our first grandchild through miscarriage, your first birthday, the kids first birthdays, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first family vacation without you, the first New Year’s,

and now the one-year anniversary.

I remember the first few Sundays, sitting in church without you next to me and looking around at all the beautiful couples and families and feeling such despair.

I like the line in this song “go write a story that you can’t wait to tell me… On the other side”

Baby, that’s exactly what I’m doing…

I wanna make you and my Heavenly Father proud.

I’ll see you in the morning,
Darling, I’ll see you in the morning.

All my love,

Shari