I didn’t know when I started to publicly journal parts of my healing journey, just how much it would actually help me in that journey. It was hard and scary at first because some will accuse me of airing dirty laundry among other things…. but I am not dissuaded because I’ve experienced the most deep realization that the truth TRULY does set me free. Later in my journey I hear professionals name the impact that telling or engaging my own story has on my brain health, heart health and overall soul/mind health. In fact, engaging our story is fundamentally necessary in order to heal. I now understand why it impacted me so deeply when I chose to do this. It is for MY health and for anyone who, while reading, experiences their own story being named. Their own experience being validated. Having words for our emotional reality is crucial. I have studied relentlessly and I will continue to, because it heals me. Studying and telling.
My hope and prayer for you is that you too will find your experience named. It is a gift and the beginning of a lifestyle of intentional healing.
Come with me.
We need each other.
It’s been several years, actually 6 years to be exact, since I’ve experienced my personal most painful trigger. This trigger used to be a common occurrence and I realize now that it was the reason I considered divorcing my husband. This one is so deep. It happened in June of this year and again this past week. It was like set off in June after reading a letter my dad wrote. It was set off this week after a short discussion with my husband. In June, I was in bed for 2 days and went through boxes of Kleenex. I could not stop the tears. I could not stop the deep moans from my core, that made breathing a challenge. I could not breath normal. It took all my energy to just breath deeply in between moans. My physical body did not start to settle until I talked on the phone with my sister. I’m so grateful that she knew what was happening and she knew how to help me. ??? Since June I’ve been learning so much about anxiety and soothing my body when the big bad trigger happens. This week it paid off. Because it was my husband who triggered me, I spent 45 min alone in a room. When I walked out and saw him I knew I needed to leave the house. I got in my car and in a few minutes I knew I needed to direct this intense energy I’m feeling so I made a business call that I’d been putting off, made a few other decisions and felt my energy calming a little. Did my grocery shopping and washed my car. Then I felt like I have the capacity to get my words out and tell my husband what was happening to me. He immediately understood and because of his own healing, was able to instead of being triggered by my response to my trigger, be supportive. In the past when this happened, it would be fireworks (not the good kind) between us until we both stuffed our feelings and became “normal” again.
Something I learned in the past few months is… when we are dis-regulated (either numbed out 1-3 zone or angry/heart racing 8-10 zone) and we don’t do something to soothe our physical body, we cause more harm to the people closest to us and ourselves. If we can bring ourselves into a slightly aroused/enthusiastic 4-7 zone, our brains have the ability to heal through practicing mind exercises.
The trigger in June had me in a 1-3 zone. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t think straight for 2 days.
This most recent trigger had me in the 8-10 zone. I needed to blow off steam which helped and then later that day I took a long bubble bath with candles and a soothing face mask. That helped bring me into the 4-7 zone for a while. Over the next 2 days, I was immediately aware when my chest got tight and I was kind to myself with music, tea, putting my hand on my forehead or chest, taking a few minutes to breathe deeply and journal.
In the past when that happened where my body was in the 8-10 zone, I judged myself, ate junk food, allowed vitriol out of my mouth directed at my husband, worked around the clock… anything that hurt myself and my husband… until finally I was able to choke it down, swallow deeply and make it stay there with ? that this demon would go to sleep for longer this time. Having absolutely no idea how deeply I re-traumatized myself every single time this happened. Having no idea that this demon called anxiety was actually suppressed and “unfelt” emotions. It was everything I was not allowed to feel in my growing up years… and everything I stuffed as an adult.
This time, my experience with the 8-10 zone went down entirely differently… because I was aware. Before my pre-frontal cortex shut off, as it does during trauma and relived trauma or PTSD, I was able to make a decision that immediately started to soothe my body instead of escalating adrenaline. This new experience…. brought so much healing to my mind and body. I wrote a new ending to the story of being deeply triggered and escalating into the zone that abuses my own self and my husband. I didn’t stuff my emotions with junk food and work. I felt all of it. Deeply. I treated myself with kindness and love. This allowed the stuck emotions to move through and out of my body instead of getting stuck in my soul.
All the love and gratitude I feel for the education I give myself through studying…. The appreciation and awe I have for my brain’s ability to heal from trauma… is deeply imprinted in my heart/core. I see glimpses of where I’d be had I not chosen this journey. I can’t help but explode with thankfulness. ??
Saturday musings… based on raw experiences.